she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
