Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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