my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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