I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
