well you can't waste a boner
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
