Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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