my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
