that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
