I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
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Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
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Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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