well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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