I think I won the penis lottery.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My penis needs a shock collar
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
