he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
