He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
