I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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