Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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