hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
