i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
