in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I would ride that face into the sunset
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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