Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
