This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Randomize
