Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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