he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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