You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
A bitchslap is in order.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
