So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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