I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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