I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
