Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
