Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
pray to the hookup gods
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
