I hate your face
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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