Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
