Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
