I hate all girls vehemently.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
