He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
