Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
