wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I licked your asshole in confidence.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
