Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
