Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
