i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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