1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
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Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
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I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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