I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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