THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize
