so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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