Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
it glows. i had to have it.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
