i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
3 2 1 whiskey
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
