Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
