she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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