I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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