They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
