I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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