i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
