I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
