They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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