its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
