The maid of honor just puked.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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