The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
