How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
