Soap is not a condiment
I faked an abortion last night.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
