I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
