i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
